It may be hard to believe, but repeated bad breakups can leave you with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can be hard to effectively move on to someone else because you are patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop in the back of your mind. It can be easy to rationalize in your mind that since bad things have always happened before then they must be bound to happen again. After any type of abuse it only makes sense that it would be hard for you to open up again, but its important to try. It is important not to make your next partner pay for the mistakes of the last person. Here is a Ted Talk I found “Overcoming The Fear Of Love” https://youtu.be/39Zcwc4lr08
Heartbreak is excruciating, but I think that the hardest part for the self-reflective person is trying to figure out where you keep going wrong and how you can stop it from happening again. We think that we did something wrong. As women, we automatically get to replaying scenarios in our head. We wonder how we could have not seen the signs. We think maybe if we did this or that we would have had a different outcome. That’s not always the case.
Here are a few steps to help you begin the healing process and move on.
Forgive the other person and forgive yourself. Its going to take time, but you are going to have to try. Try not to place blame on yourself OR the other person. This takes time because this means that you have to get over it. Whether it is your fault or the other persons fault, the point is you don’t want to continually look back at this situation with bitterness and anger at the other person, or with self-loathing for yourself. The truth is that a bad situation may have set you up for an even better one. You may not be able to, but if it is a situation that is your fault as well as the fault of the other person, it is important not to put all of the blame on them.
You may not feel comfortable talking to someone you know but talk to someone. A lot of times people in abusive situations don’t want to talk to people because they are embarrassed and they don’t want anyone to call them stupid. They have more than likely been stupid before too, I promise. There are many different types of online services that you can utilize for mental health. Some working environments can even direct you to a number where you can speak with someone free of charge and the service is provided by the employer. The point is, don’t try to hold it all in. Sometimes it is easier to talk about things when you don’t feel like you are being judged by someone you know. I haven’t used this particular service, but here is a resource that I’ve found. Professional help doesn’t hurt. https://www.e-counseling.com/therapy/?imt=1
The things that you see and hear impact you more than you probably think. When we see and hear negative things we think negative thoughts. The begining of mind control comes from what goes into our minds. I like to listen to sleep affirmations. Some people find that strange. That may not be your thing, but that’s OK. Maybe you want to listen to another message of some kind. Maybe you like listening to sermons or self help messages. No matter what it is that you like to listen to, hearing positive messages will slowly help negative messages from seeping into you mind. This is one that I like to listen to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe-eG8tY7xA
I have heard many people say write a list of the qualities that you want in a partner. I guess that is OK, but I think what you don’t want in a person is just as important (if not more important) than what you do want. Instead of writing the list of what you want in a partner. Write a list of who you are as a person. I believe that you attract who you are. I also believe that if you don’t know who you are then you won’t know that you will be attracting. People have a poor sense of self. Even the most self-reflective of people can be in denial about what people see in them. When you write the list of what you are wrote the good and the bad. If you are broken, not able to trust, afraid to open, then you will attract this. Work hard on being the best you and pushing yourself past your pain.
Remember who you were before all of this happened. Remember the things that you liked to do. Remember your friends and your hobbies. The things that you like to do before may help you to keep your mind off of things and get you back into your old routine. It is easy to lose yourself, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find yourself again!
Realize that you deserve the things that you are asking for. You deserve respect. You deserve happiness. Anyone could easily wonder if they are enough, but you are. Give yourself the time and space to heal. Your friends may think that surrounding you with love is helpful (and it may be) but take some time out to think by yourself. If you think you are in the mental space to be alone, take some alone time. Sometimes we need the time to just think by ourselves. You don’t always need someone else’s opinion. Honestly, depending on who the friend is it may do you more harm than good to talk it out. Sometimes people have a sly way of rubbing something in your face to make it feel like a failure. People worry so much about being a “relationship goal” they make you feel like not being in one is a failure. If you are being hurt mentally OR physically, that is not a goal. You don’t have to live a false life to give social media a false narrative.
The moral of the story is that you are strong and you are bold and you will get past it. It may take a little bit of time, but if a problem took time to create it will normally take time to fix. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t be ashamed. The best could be yet to come.