I hope that all of you are doing fantastic. I announced on my Instagram (Heyy_Friend_) that I would be doing a question and answer blog. I had you all email me (HeyyFriendBlog@gmail.com) whatever questions that you would like for me to answer. I have chosen not use anyone’s name because it best to keep everyone’s identify private.
I am so excited to do this! I love that you read what it is that I have to say, but I also want to know what it is that you have to say! A friendship is not one sided. It’s a conversation of love on both sides. I hope that I am able to answer some of the questions that you have. If I get good feedback I will definitely continue to answer questions every once in a while.
Q: How do African American women deal with statistics that say that if they are more educated it is less likely that they will marry?
A: I am not even sure that this statistic is true, but I don’t want to focus on the validity of the statistic. I want to focus on what I think you are really wanting to know which is how do black women feel about ideas and perceptions that they are undesirable. I am indeed an African American woman, however; I do not have an extensive education. My best friend does though. I talked with her in order to better answer your question. My best friend has a master’s degree and she is married to a man who also has a master’s degree. She told me that she values her knowledge, and she picked a husband who also values her knowledge.
I don’t think that you have to have a formal education to be considered smart. I have had a man tell me that he did not want to date me because he felt like I was too intelligent. It was a weak comment, but I’m glad that he was honest. Most people are not that honest. It’s not that I go around spouting facts on dates, but when a person does not want to expand their mind, improve themselves, or evolve, being with a person who wants knowledge of any kind (formal or otherwise) is a threat.
I have a previous blog where a friend of mine stated that he wanted to be in a relationship where he could control and dominate his woman. You can refer back to it here https://heyyfriend.com/2019/09/25/why-low-self-esteem-could-help-you-find-a-man/ . He said that he would prefer it if she had low self-esteem, because it gives him a greater opportunity to control her. I would say that many things and people in life will come and go, but you need to be whole alone no matter what. A husband can die, you might get a divorce, whatever, but no one can take your knowledge from you.
You have to want to be smart more than you want to be accepted. You could be less educated and still single. There are plenty of single uneducated women. Having an education can take you far, and you wont have to sit there and wait for someone else to do things for you. The right person will accept you for being smart and encourage it.
The guy who told me that I was too smart asked me “How did you get like this?” with disdain. His tone of voice let me know he didn’t like my personality. I cut him off. I met another guy a while afterward who surprisingly asked me the same thing. He asked “How did you get like this?” but this time with admiration and respect. He liked my personality. I found it funny that they used the same words, but had different opinions. I feel that was confirmation from The Most High that what one doesn’t like another one will and that I don’t need to change. My voice matters. I’m not going to try to lessen my intelligence .
How do women deal with ideas that they are undesirable? Some women are bitter. Some women are spiteful. Some women don’t care. Some women set their faith in The Most High. Some choose to be themselves no matter what. It doesn’t matter what choice you decide to make. Don’t ever shrink your intellect. The right man wont ask you to hide your brilliance, but you have to set the tone and let them know you wont be moved. If they don’t like it let them pass you by.
Q: Is it wrong that I feel I should detach myself from being around my married friends for my mental health?
A: I wouldn’t say it’s wrong, but I would say keep that same energy when you become married. You need to do what you must for your mental health, but you also need to do what you must to make sure you are not triggering mental health issues in other people. I think that a lot of emphasis is put on self love (as there should be) but Mark 12:31 says “And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” We have to remember to love each other with that same self love and want the same good for others as we do for ourselves.
Forget being an envious friend. Have you ever had an envious friend? It is one of the most irritating things in life! It is very stressful to have an envious friend around taking jabs at you and making smart comments. Get your mind right for you and for your friend. Put out the energy you want to receive in return. If you want to be happy one day then congratulate your friend. Be happy that she was able to have joy with someone.
The topic gets tricky because sometimes people will try to throw their happiness in your face to make it seem like they have arrived in life and you have not, but that is their problem. That’s their karma. If your friend acts this way you DO NOT have to be around, but you can’t be the demise of another person’s happiness and think yours is coming. Is it ok to distance yourself? I say it is ok to separate yourself, but I would not let feelings of envy steal peace and harmony from me. If you do you may end up without a man or a friend. Focus more on you and less on them. Focus more on what you have and less on what you don’t.
Q: Why is it that I have a harder time keeping friends as I’m getting older?
A: People are changing and you are noticing things in people that you never have. I have people I use to admire and now I wonder…were you always this way or am I just now noticing? People are getting older and they are angry that life isn’t turning out as they had hoped. Life can be hard. People may be dealing with things that you don’t even know about. Lifestyle changes play a part also. People may love you and just not have the same amount of time to be available for you.
I have a friend Darlena who I just adore! I don’t talk to her often because she has a family and a busy schedule, but we are still friends. When I see her we can literally stand in one spot and talk for hours and hours. As you get older a friend is not always the person you speak to the most, but the person that you can take the greatest amount of positive substance away from when you do speak. When I count close friends I count Darlena even though we do not speak often.
Q: Do you miss Detroit?
A: For those who don’t know…I have recently relocated to Atlanta from Detroit. I would say I miss the people. I have lived most of my life in Detroit, so there are many people that I love back home. I do not regret my move though. Atlanta is a very fun city with many exciting things to do, opportunities, and people to meet. I didn’t tell anyone that I was moving because I didn’t want to hear what anyone thought about it. I think sometimes its best to make decisions alone without outside influence. I’m a big believer in not being afraid of change. Stagnation is bad for the soul. I’m also a big believer in living parts of my life in private. If I share everything with everyone I won’t have anything left for myself.
Q: How do you deal with rejection?
A: Remember that everything is not for everyone. Rejection happens to everyone and its a part of life. Most of us have rejected someone, but we forget that when we are on the receiving end of the pain and feelings of inadequacy. It will get better. You can’t internalize everything. I know that is easier said than done. An introspective person is going to wonder why bad things happen to them, but remember there are good seasons in life just like there are bad seasons. Everything that we do not get is not necessarily a bad thing. Think of it as the gateway to something better. In my life whenever I don’t receive something I wanted I always get something better in its place. I like to think that something better is always around the corner.