Let me start by saying I am open minded. If you are not this may not be for you. In my life I have been exposed to different religions.  Some were because of my mother who is a devoted Christian and others because I took an interest in religion as a teenager and wanted to study theology and history.  As time went on my understanding of things changed and it brought on many questions.  One of my theories that changed was my ideas around sex.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine on the phone (who identifies as Christian) and she was telling me how people looked at her like she was worthless when she became pregnant before she was married.  She was a young adult. She was out of high school. She was with her partner and they were in a lifetime commitment, but it wasn’t legally recognized yet.  She had to endure the side eye and people making comments about her being fast or being easy. They are legally married now and have been forever. She said she wanted her daughter to be her flower girl, and to be honest I dig that!

I thought to myself about all of the married Christians I know who are miserable and passing judgment on unmarried women having children. Obviously not all married Christians are miserable, but I’m talking about the ones that are for a minute.  I heard a Christian man once say that he compares his wife to all of his past sexual partners because she was a virgin when they married and she was inexperienced. 

Where do these men think that these “ladies in the streets” figure out how to become a “freak in the bed” if they are not allowed to explore that side of themselves?  Growing up in church there was always this idea that the measure of a woman was her purity.  No one talked about what happens if you have that taken, give that up, or care to be anything other than a wife or a mother.  There are churches full of women feeling like failures for being sexually “impure.”

I then thought to myself what marriage is.  I have heard some say that they believe that marriage is the act of sex after binding a for life spiritual contract. I agree with this. I have heard some people say that it has to be legal.  I think that God knows the heart and it depends on the couple.

I think for legal purposes marriage is great.  Marriage keeps some people together who would otherwise have no way to be together.  Do I think someone not waiting until marriage makes them immoral? No I do not.  We can’t assume that people who don’t think the same are worthless.

People say well what about the Bible? I say that that was in a time where people didn’t have to go to 12 years of school before they could afford families.  Now we have people with high educations and no children because society has taught us to shun young mothers.  In the times of the Bible, young mothers were the norm.

What about the mothers who should have been young mothers?

We never talk about the women who are burdened in their thoughts because they wanted children but didn’t have them because of their worried about societies view of them.  There is a mental toll that comes with pressuring someone to do something that they are not prepared for one way or another.  That isn’t the case for everyone, but imagine feeling peer pressure not to have a child and then never having an opportunity to have another one later.

I have heard some women say that it is hard to have sex with their husbands once married because the idea that having sex is terrible is still imbedded in their minds.  I personally believe that there is a place for conversations about sex. I believe that that place should include (but not be limited to) the church.

The moral of the story is that we have to get to the deeper meaning of things and see what that means for us.  Is there a space in which you can have sex and feel a connection to The Most High? I believe so.  At the very least, if it isn’t for you don’t talk bad about someone else because you don’t share the same viewpoints on morality as they do.